Focusing

Posts

Depth

Going deeper

Go deeper.  Pay attention to what is beneath the threshold of awareness.  Dive below surface appearances and respond to what is really going on.” 

Kathy Tyler and Joy Drake

I cannot pretend that Focusing is the only way to go deeper and pay attention to the threshold of awareness. No, there are other ways. Some I have tried, and they haven’t always worked for me.

I can say that Focusing worked for me and I was amazed and delighted. And it works for a great many other people too.

One of the delights of Focusing is that it is a safe and gentle process, and can be learned by anyone. And most people learn it quite quickly – usually withing a session or two.

And it doesn’t end there, because, like many practices (cooking, running, carving, writing, Yoga, …), something can happen the very first try. And maybe it doesn’t. In either case, practising helps us to go deeper, to improve that way we do things, discard whatever doesn’t work, and be spurred on to practise more as we gain new insight. It doesn’t take long for most people to sense into Focusing and find it a helpful practice.

When I first learned I embarked on the Focusing Skills course, and after a few sessions, I thought I ‘knew’ Focusing, and couldn’t see why the course was 60 hours long.  You might be interested to know that before I trained as a Focusing Practitioner, I actually repeated the Focusing Skills course (not because I ‘failed’ – there is no failure!), but because I wanted to deepen my experience with a group of committed Focusers.

 

Sometimes as we explore more deeply in our Focusing practice difficult feelings might arise; and Focusing helps us understand more about them, and help us find ways to work with and through them.

Sometimes Focusing is joyful, as we uncover new understandings.

And sometimes there is neither joy nor difficulty.  Sometimes there is a feeling of roundedness, wholeness.

Whatever the feelings, we hold the space for them all.  As Rumi said in the poem I quoted in this blog, “Welcome and entertain them all.”

If you would like to read about Focusing from other people’s perspectives, go to the websites of the British Focusing Association, the International Focusing Institute and the European Focusing Association.

And if you would like to learn how to use Focusing in your life, please contact me here. This can be a one-to-one session, a one-day workshop, or a Focusing Skills course – or just a chat.

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house

Every morning a new arrival,

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome them all!

Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still, treat each guest honourably.

He may be clearing you out 

for some new delight.

from “The Guest House” by Rumi

Talking to yourself

So often when we talk to ourselves, we are berating ourselves, telling ourselves off.  We might regret having said or did something. We might have eaten too much, drunk too much, been too harsh with family members, angry with someone for something that wasn’t their fault, failed to reach a work target, or pass an exam.

We can be very inventive about the ways we criticise and shame ourselves.  

We can sometimes be much harsher with ourselves than we would be with others, and more critical of ourselves than we would dream of being with another person.

Sometimes this is a fleeting self-criticism, or it can go on – for a few days or weeks.  Sometimes we can spend years living with regrets and failures.

What if, instead of this one-way conversation with yourself, what would it feel like to listen to yourself?

You might begin by becoming aware of your body. 

You might notice your surroundings as if for the first time.

You might notice the floor beneath your feet, the chair on which you sit.

You might wish to close your eyes, or you might prefer not to.

You might become aware of the touch of your clothes against your skin.

You might notice the breath that flows in and out of your body – not trying to change it in any way, just being aware of it.  Some breaths might be deep, some shallow, some smooth, some a little ragged.

Then you might turn your attention to other parts of your body – your throat, perhaps.  Your chest.  Your abdomen and belly.  You might see how they are. 

Don’t rush any of this.

If this is something new for you, your body has to get used to being listened to in this way.

Like a shy child.  Or an untrusting animal.

You wouldn’t rush an encounter with these, would you?  You would take your time, being kind, letting the child or the animal come to you in their own time.

As you stay with this attention on your body, something might arise.  An image might come.  Or a feeling.  A colour maybe.  Or a memory.  Or something else. 

If something comes, however fleeting, however vague, however vivid, allow yourself to pause.

And in that pause, stay with whatever comes.

Be curious about it.  Invite it to be there, as fully as it wants to be.

Allow it to stay the same, or change, without any pressure from your thoughts or your mind.

Take as long as you like.

Try not to analyse what comes.

If it helps, you can say aloud things that arise or change. 

You might notice emotions arising – not always.

You might have an attentive listener, in which case, ask them if they might say back to you some of what you’ve said, but not everything.  And ask them not to add anything, or put their own interpretation on what you’ve said aloud.

And you don’t have to say everything – or anything.

Allow your body to speak to you in this way, without any judgement from you or your listener.

Allow your body to say as much or as little as it wants to.

Allow the feelings, or images, or memories, to change.  Allow this to come from within you, rather than instructing your body.

Resist any urge to tell yourself what you ‘think’ it should be feeling or doing.

Allow your body this time and space to let you know what its wants and needs are.

When you wish to complete this special time for yourself, take a moment to check if anything else wants to come.

Then thank your body for all that came.  Thank your body for this conversation.

Then gently, slowly, mindfully, come back to the present moment.  Open your eyes.

Rejoin your normal day after a pause – not too quickly.

And then what?  What happens next?

It might be that you realised something new about yourself.

It might be that the answer to a problem unfolds.

You might realise why you reacted the way you did in a particular situation – or every time you find yourself in a situation.

You might feel a little more peaceful.

You might find yourself being more kind and accepting of yourself.

You might find that you no longer carry things with you, such as grievances, hurts or betrayals.

You might find, in times of stress or panic, you can notice the feelings that arise, and acknowledge them, and manage them more easily.

I would be very interested in how you find this little exercise.  Please feel free to get in touch, and ask me questions.

How Emotions are Made

surface of water with lightWhether you’re a generally calm person, floating unperturbed in a stream of tranquillity, unaffected by the vicissitudes of life; a more reactive person awash in a river of agony and ecstasy, easily moved by every little change in your surroundings; or somewhere in between, the science behind interoception*, grounded in the wiring of your brain, will help you see yourself in a new light.  It also demonstrates that you’re not at the mercy of emotions that arise unbidden to control your behaviour.  You are an architect of these experiences.  Your river of feelings might feel like it’s flowing over you, but actually you’re the river’s source.

Lisa Feldman Barrett: How Emotions are Made

Psychologist and neuroscientist, Feldman Barrett, recognises the value of Focusing, updating long-held views that emotions are not universally pre-programmed in our brains and bodies.  She says they are psychological experiences that each of us constructs, based on our unique personal history, physiology and environment.

Feldman Barrett suggests that we pay attention to combinations of emotions, feelings in the body, and memories that arise in the context of these.  She calls this ’emotional granularity’, and recommends that this is helpful in order to make sense of what’s going on for a person in the moment, and being aware of choices, rather than being ‘stuck’ in feelings of frustrating ‘blahness’.  I call this Focusing.

I will revisit this as my copy of the book is is like a prayer flag, with many sticky notes sticking out of the edge waiting for me to return to read again.  In the meantime, you might wish to buy a copy, or borrow one from your library.

 

* interoception: an on-going process which is your brain’s representation of all sensations from your internal organs and tissues, the hormones in your blood, and your immune system.  For more on interoception, see Lisa Feldman Barrett’s book, “How Emotions are Made”.

Presence

When we settle down to Focus, we are far more likely to have a rich experience, and one that we can fully trust, if we allow ourselves a little time to settle into presence.  I have talked about this in earlier posts.  Here is a description of settling into presence; and at the foot of this page  is a pdf sheet which you can print to help you settle into presence when you are Focusing alone.  And on the same page is an mp3 audio recording, so you don’t have to keep squinting at the page.

As someone recently told me, just settling into presence brought into sharp focus the reason why she was feeling agitated and angry with a particular situation.  This completely changed her view of the situation, and enabled her to deal with a problem without all that previously unrecognised anxiety getting in the way.  Everything progressed more smoothly after that.

And sometimes we need time to explore this space, and to find out what is keeping us away from the peace which we all seek.

Being in presence gives us a clear space in which to explore our feelings, and we don’t usually have to try to hard to find them; they come up in this peaceful, nourishing space.

I particularly like the way Rupert Spira talks about presence: 

Presence is peace itself. Like the space of the room in which you are sitting (relatively speaking), it cannot be agitated. All agitated activities take place within it but it is itself without agitation. Presence is like that. It allows everything to appear within it, choicelessly, without preference, including sometimes very agitated appearances of the mind, body or world, but it is itself the inherently and eternally peaceful ‘space’ in which all these appear.

So there is no need to look for a peaceful appearance of the mind or body in order to be knowingly this peaceful Presence. Nor do you need to have any special knowledge. Knowing that you are this Presence is all the special knowledge you need. And the more we abide knowingly as this Presence, the more its inherently free, unlimited, peaceful and happy qualities are revealed in our experiential understanding.

Rupert Spira

And as well as Focusing happening more easily in a space of presence, as we Focus the space of presence expands.  And as Rupert says, knowing we are this presence is such a freeing feeling, that understanding comes to us more easily.  We, like my friend above, begin to understand why we sometimes act the way we do. 

 

, , ,

There’s a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in.

I used to think that this was a quotation by Leonard Cohen, and now I’m not so sure – he may have borrowed it.  And I don’t mind whether Cohen wrote it or someone else.  I think it’s a great concept, which reminds us to avoid clinging on to perfection.

And I learned about Kintsugi, which is an Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with lacquer dusted or mixed with gold, silver or platinum.  It shows the repaired pot as a part of the history of the pot, rather than something to disguise.  The beauty of the pot combines the skill of the original maker with that of the repairer, making something new; embracing and celebrating the imperfect; and showing us even a broken pot can be something beautiful, useful and something to treasure.

So what have these to do with Focusing or Yoga?

I have heard so many people say, ‘I can’t do Yoga because I’m not flexible enough‘, or ‘I can’t even touch my toes, so why should I try Yoga?’, and many other reasons for not trying Yoga, Meditation (‘I can’t sit still‘, or ‘My mind is too cluttered‘ are the the reasons here), or any other activity or pursuit that is unfamiliar to them.

I’ve used similar reasons myself. ‘I can’t paint because I’m not artistic‘, has been one of my excuses.

I would never want to persuade someone to do something that they have an aversion to, but it’s good to recognise that none of us is perfect.  We all have shortcomings, some of which are visible to others and some are not.

And it is in our differences that we shine.

Like the golden cracks in Kintsugi pots.

And Nature celebrates the individuality of each plant.

So please don’t ignore fulfilling practices such as Yoga, Pilates, walking, art, Focusing, sailing, trampolining, writing, embroidery, acting or any of those other activities that may have tempted you – even just a tiny bit – because you think you’re not good enough, or because someone will see the cracks in your facade.

These are all part of our histories – what makes us how we are today.

Honour and celebrate your differences.  Please.

And let the light get in to you, and shine out of you.

 

 

The Art of Listening by Alain de Botton

This is a brief post, with a suggestion that you read Alain de Botton’s view on The Art of Listening, at The School of Life.

He starts by saying:

“Many of us probably have a nagging feeling that we don’t listen enough to other people. Here we’re not going to make the guilt worse by telling you that listening is a good thing, worthy but in fact rather dull.

“We’re going to show you that listening to others is first and foremost an interesting thing to do, something that could be as pleasurable for you as it is for your speaking companion.

One of the great things about Listening is that as we listen to others, we help to clarify our own thoughts.

In Focusing, we are not trying to remember the thoughts of our Focusing partner as we listen to them; actually we try to let them go.  

However, as we listen deeply to another, something profound can happen within us.  Many Focusers I know say that as something arises in our Focusing partner, we touch on things in ourselves, and sometimes the meaning of  thoughts or events in our own lives, that might have been eluding us, become clear.

I have written before about Listening in the Focusing context here, and here, and I think Alain de Botton’s view adds another dimension.

Learn Focusing in a small supportive group

bay of firesI am delighted to tell you that I have four Focusing workshops coming up in Canterbury, Kent.

Focusing Skills for Life will be at Canterbury Christchurch University on the following Saturdays:

Day 1 – 16th September 2017 and 6th January 2018

Day 2 – 21st October 2017 and 17th February 2017

Day 1 is suitable for anyone interested in Focusing, and

Day 2 is suitable for anyone who has had an introduction to Focusing.

Reserve your places here and here.

And for more information please contact me here.

Focusing Newsletter – July 2017

The latest Focusing Newsletter is now available to read on the British Focusing Association website and here.

Most people will find something of interest to read, so have a look.  The contents include:

  • In Remembrance of Gene Gendlin
  • If I Keep Nothing Between—a Tribute to Gene Gendlin
  • Untangling Parts of Ourselves
  • Children Focusing in the UK
  • Biospirituality: a Brief Overview
  • Your Body is Your Home: Poems on a Biospiritual Theme
  • Embodied Presence
  • My Biotope: Finding Your Optimal Inner Environmen
  • Focusing with Pain
  • BFA Summer Focusing Community Camp
  • UEA Counselling Course Closure
  • The Wisdom of Groundhog Day—a Book Review
  • Practitioner Profile—Carolann Samuels
  • Workshops, Events, & Groups Listing
  • Focusing Resources Information

Mind-Body Connection

I call my newsletter Mind-Body Connection, because I find that both Focusing and Yoga can be transformative in sensing into the connections that are there between mind and body, and we often don’t see or dismiss.

When we first learn Yoga, it can take a while to move from our need to ‘get it right’, and find out how to make our bodies form a triangle or an eagle, say.  Apart from not injuring yourself, it doesn’t matter too much – Yoga can be adapted so that it benefits all people, no matter their age, flexibility, strength, or any other restriction you might think of.  It’s for everyone

Our teachers help us find the best way to gain the most benefit from our Yoga postures.  And as we move through that, we begin to feel the benefits of our practice.  We discover how Hatha Yoga can energise us, calm us, relax us, soften tense areas, bring awareness to forgotten parts of our bodies, and sometimes can heal us – all of which work on the mind as well.

Focusing works in a different (and complementary) way.  You may be familiar with meditation (and Mindfulness is one form of meditation), where we pay close attention to what we are doing in this moment, or our thoughts as they come in and out of our minds.  Meditation is excellent at this, and helps many people (including me). 

Focusing goes further. 

Focusing is a very respectful Mind-Body awareness that helps us access the connections between mind and body.  And by doing this it helps us release old patterns which can keep us stuck and unable to move forwards in some areas of our lives.  Even very difficult emotions can be transformed and you can see them as opportunities for growth.

And Focusing can be a joyous and sometimes spiritual experience.

Focusing has been well studied, and if you’re looking for evidence of its benefits, there is much to read here.

And you don’t need to visit a therapist to learn Focusing.  Focusing is taught by therapists, and also by many Focusing Practitioners who are not therapists. 

Once you’ve learned Focusing, you can choose whether to continue Focusing with your practitioner, and you can also Focus with a Focusing partner in a peer relationship, or by yourself.  So it’s a skill that’s with you for the rest of your life, and doesn’t take long to learn. 

Contact me here to find out more, have some one-to-one Focusing, or join a workshop.

Click here to sign up for my occasional newsletters – The Mind-Body Connection (at the bottom of the page),